NORTH BY NORTHEAST
by SnoopMaryMar
Summary: The MTAC phone call was not McGee's first call home. There were 19 weeks before NCIS acted like a jackhole. I can haz vengeance now?
1. Chapter 1

_**TI: North by North-East**_

_**AU: SnoopMaryMar**_

_**DI: Not mine. CBS's and DPB.**_

_**SU: The MTAC phone call was not McGee's first call home. There were 19 weeks before NCIS acted like an asshole.**_

_**AN: Inspired by the craptastic attempt at humour in 8.01. Hey Glasberg? If you are going to make fun of Canada? At least try to be funny. That? Lame, epic fail.**_

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_**WEEK 1**_

"They wouldn't let me keep my sidearm."

"What? They give you a new one?"

"No."

"What the hell are you supposed to use to defend yourself? Please tell me they gave you something, Probie!"

"An Inuit carving."

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_**WEEK 2**_

"Agent McGee."

"Yes, Director?"

"Why did I just get an expense report for traffic tickets!"

"You can't make a right turn on a red light in Quebec?"

"Why didn't you read the signs?"

"They're all in french."

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_**WEEK 3**_

"McGee! McBabbler!"

"They apologize in this passive-aggressive way, Tony, that's really criticism in disguise and you can't say anything about it because then you come out like the jerk!"

"TIM! Just say you're sorry and you won't do it again!"

"But I didn't do anything wrong! I ordered a Budweiser and they brought me bat pee! They told me I deserved it for ordered piss-flavoured water!"

"McGee, just suck it up and don't call them Dudley Do-Right again!"

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_**WEEK 4**_

"How'd you get the black eye?"

"They convinced me to go up to some girl and ask for some beaver."

"Probie!"

"Apparently, I misheard and should have said BeaverTail."

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_**WEEK 5**_

"Milk comes in bags."

"Huh?"

"Bags. You get milk in three bags. You have to snip a piece off after sticking it in a pitcher!"

"That's weird."

"Yeah. I need a new backpack."

"Huh?"

"Left my keys in my pack. And Tony?"

"Yeah, Probie?"

"They make gays buy different milk!"

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_**WEEK 6**_

"What beaver bit you, McHung?"

"A Mickey."

"As in mouse?"

"No - as in rehab. I wanna come home."

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_**WEEK 7**_

"You need a chiropractor? You okay, Probie?"

"They don't fix potholes up here, Tony. They just wait for the snow to fill them in."

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_**WEEK 8**_

"Hang on, Tony - double-double, please!"

"Tim! It's 8:30 in the morning!"

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_**WEEK 9**_

"What did you do now, McGee?"

"The OPP liaison told me to commend Detective Bouchard for being part of the largest french population that never surrendered to Germany."

"Are ya ever gonna learn, McGee?"

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_**WEEK 10**_

"We got a bill for a new microwave, McGee."

"They asked me to boil water, Boss."

"Okay. I know I'll regret this, but -?"

"I set the thermometer for 212 degrees instead of 100."

"I thought you went to MIT."

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_**WEEK 11**_

"Sir?"

"Agent McGee, HR just received a bill for getting splinters from a canoe out of your posterior. Was this a work-related injury?"

"Uh..."

"Agent McGee?"

"I'm not Canadian. I'm no good in a canoe, Sir."

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_**WEEK 12**_

"McGee? What's with the crutches?"

"Curling."

"Tim..."

"Can I come home now?"

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_**WEEK 13**_

"Agent McGee, your reports are late!"

"They won't send them!"

"McGee?"

"They keep sending them back for spelling corrections!"

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_**WEEK 14**_

"McGee?"

"I said Mr. Rogers was better than Mr. Dress-Up."

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_**WEEK 15**_

"They keep changing my damn ringtone to some hockey song!"

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_**WEEK 16**_

"Where are your new frenemies, McGee?"

"Cuba."

"Ah."

"They said it's not infested."

"Hey, I've been to Guantanamo, they have mosquitoes."

"They weren't talking about the mosquitoes, Tony."

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_**WEEK 17**_

"They were talking about the Friendly Giant and I said I liked the potatoes and cheese bag."

"What?"

"That wasn't what they were talking about. Can I come home now, Boss?"

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_**WEEK 18**_

"McGee, will you please stop starting fights? I can't keep smoothing these things over! The Director is going to find out!"

"I just said the loudmouth on the t.v. must've gotten dressed in the dark, Tony!"

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_**WEEK 19**_

"Got traded, eh?"

"What did you just say, Probie?"

"Damn."

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_**Yes, I **__**do**__** beat dead horses with my hockey stick!**_


	2. Chapter 2

I got tired of emailing this out individually.

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**WEEK 1**

On November 5, 1995, Chrétien and his wife escaped injury when a man armed with a knife broke in the Prime Minister's official residence. Aline Chrétien shut and locked the bedroom door until security came. Jean Chretien had a sharp-edged Inuit carving in hand to fight back if he got through the door.

**WEEK 4**

Beaver: Canadian slang for a certain part of a woman's body.

Beavertail: A kind of donut

**WEEK 5**

Whole Milk in Canada is called HOMO(genized) Milk.

**WEEK 6**

A mickey is a bottle of liquor you can stick in a purse or a pocket

**WEEK 8**

Double-Double: a Tim Hortons' coffee with two milk and two sugar

**WEEK 11**

"A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe." - Pierre Berton


End file.
